About two weeks ago there was an episode on Oprah with author Ayelet Waldman. She had recently written an article in which she boldly claimed, "I love my husband more than I love my children". I think she could have worded it differently - becuase she was saying that her relationship with her husband was the PRIMARY relationship in her home. The relationship with their CHILDREN was the secondary relationship. She says on the show "I am IN love with my husband. I love my children. Which is how it should be." Evidently women everywhere were outraged by this concept. Oprah showed a few brief clips from some women in the audience who blasted Ayelet -- how dare she put her husband before her children? What a horrible mother she must be ...
But I - and Oprah - and a guy from the National Fatherhood Initiative and a few of the women on the show - pretty much agreed with everything Ayelet said. No, I don't have children yet ... but I remember something I heard my pastor say when I was a teenager ... (it was a long time ago - so I'm paraphrasing):
And I remember as a teenager thinking - yeah. I always thought it was cool when my parents would hold hands; neat that they went on trips together, just the two of them; Children need to see that in their parents relationship. How do we think children figure out what they want in a relationship later on in life?
One woman on the Oprah show said she watches Wheel of Fortune while she and her husband had sex. She said she was "fulfilling his needs" and that he was fine with that. And she was one of the ones going after Ayelet -- but sorry -- anybody who includes Pat Sajack and Vanna in their marriage just doesn't have anything to say that I need to hear. I'm sure her children have a great [insert sarcasm] view on what a marriage and home should be like.
Then Oprah talked to several husbands -- who said that after their children were born -- their wives pretty much lost interest in them. Their total focus was on the children - from morning til night. Yes I can't even imagine how exhausting having children is. Can't even imagine. Nope - still can't imagine. But -- surely there is still part of you that is in love with your husband? Enjoys spending time with him. I can't imagine that just disappears ??
Several women went on to say that they figured they would have more time for their husbands when their children got older. The problem with that is that by the time the kids are older -- your husband doesn't even know you anymore. The "disconnect" has already happened. Oprah said that divorces after kids leave for college are alarmingly high these days. Once the kids are gone - nothing there anymore. The relationship died when the kids were in preschool.
And I loved what one other author on the show said about parents who make their children the center of their universe ... and then those children become adults ... "And, you know, what kind of a person wants to have a relationship with somebody who's been raised to believe that they are the center of the world?" Haha! I laughed out loud at that one. So true!!!
Another good quote was from Roland from the National Fatherhood Initiative -- "Strong marriages are like strong muscles. If you don't exercise them, they atrophy." He said this in response to the waiting til the kids are older philosophy of some of the moms in the audience ...
I found that episode really thought-provoking ... anyone else see it? Thoughts on the topic in general? The page on Oprah.com about that episode can be found here
i've talked A LOT about this particular episode since it aired. it was really quite powerful. i think if more couples asked themselves the thought-provoking questions ayelet seems to have figured out, maybe the institution of marriage wouldn't be such a shame.
Dear Moms,
Many of you have seen Ayelet Waldman's appearance on "Oprah" where she voiced her controversial views on putting her husband before her children. We at ABC are looking for more moms who follow that philosophy. We're always looking for unique families to feature on our shows and are fascinated by this approach to marriage, parenting, and romance! How has this approach benefited you, your spouse, and your children? Do you feel that other families could learn by your example? We want to hear from you! There is generous financial compensation involved!
212-404-1428
heather.teta@rdfusa.com